Name:Rachel Country:United States State:Louisiana Gender:Female
Interests:Hobbies: singing, reading, crafting, fishing, cooking, traveling, etc...
Organizations:
Sister of the Theta Tau Chapter of Tau Beta Sigma.
Honorary Brother of the Iota Upsilon Chapter of Kappa Kappa Psi. Occupation:Education/training
This week will mark the one year anniversary since my mom passed away. I just finished reading two young adult novels and how fitting that I read them this evening. It has hit me that my mom passed away a year ago this Thursday. It doesn't seem like it has been a year already. I find it only fitting to go back and review what was posted after mom passed.....
I got a phone call on my way out of school at about 5:00 yesterday from my step dad. The conversation went a little something like this.
*Phone rings... unknown number Rae Rae: "Hello" Mike: "Rachel... this is Mike" (crying) Rae2: (Who is Mike and why would he be calling me crying) Mike: "Rachel... I am so sorry to tell you this.... I am so sorry.... but your mom is dead." Rae2: (wanting to scream you are kidding right?!) Mike: "I don't know what happened. I called her many times today and she never answered or got back with me. So I came home to check on her and found her." Rae2: (exploded into tears... dropped all my belongings and slid down the wall to the floor and cried there for an hour.) "Mike can I call you back in a little while?" Mike: "sure call me back soon."
3 hours later I called Mike back to talk about the arrangements. My mom was gardening and talking to the manager of the RV Park she lived in. She said something about not feeling well and that she was going to lie down. She laid down to sleep and never woke up. They are going to do an autopsy either today or tomorrow to determine the cause of death. Mom's wishes were to be cremated. So that will take place and then the memorial/funeral thing will be held in Nashville, TN sometime next week. That is where my mom is from. My brothers are both in the Army and Tony is overseas finishing out the rest of his tour (he just was home in June for his half-way leave) and Vince is in Georgia. So Vince called me yesterday and he'll be heading home today. We aren't sure how quick Tony will be making it home. My aunt is coming down to Victoria, TX to help my step-dad with the stuff. He didn't want me to go and so I will just meet them up in Tennesse. I will be writing my mom's obituary in the next day or so. That is my task. Sigh.... at this time that is all the information I know. If you guys will keep my family in your thoughts and prayers, it would mean the world to me.
***** So basically I sobbed on the floor of my school for an hour. I am NOT even sure what to say. I just talked to my mom on Sunday. If you know me... you know she and I weren't exactly the closest at times. Right now I am ok..... Well sort of being the fact I've been up since 4 because I can't sleep. Ugh..... I can say that in some aspects I am ok. My mom was 48 living in a 70 year old body. She had degenerative hip problems and had been in 2 severe car wrecks that messed up her back for good. She was on pain medication and would be for the rest of her life. So my mom was in a lot of pain.... she just received her disability 2-3 weeks ago. She won't even see the first check.... Life is so surreal sometimes. I can rest assured that my mom is no longer in pain. Secondly, I can say that I have no regrets when it came to my mother. I loved her with all my heart and she knew that. I know she loved me, even if she didn't always show it like she should. But I know that I did everything in my power to be a good daughter that loved her. I don't have to what if myself to death or focus on the only if I would haves.....
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Wow.... life really is so surreal sometimes. I was reading a book about a girl and her sister. The sister got in a wreck and ended up being brain dead. They donated her organs and such and later on the the death tore apart the family. The second book was about the family learning how to cope and let go of the sister's death. How fitting it must be to have read this. God sends us little reminders of His glory it seems. My heart feels a bit sad this week. Not that I don't think of my mom but it is hard to think that wow it has already been a year without her. I am still alive. I have been in contact with my younger brother and that was nice. He made sure I knew that last Thursday was his birthday. Sad to say I felt like he needed me to send him a card and make him feel special. Mom isn't here to do that anymore. I miss her a lot. I find myself crying more when I hear a sad song, see a sad movie, read a sad book. I am so much more sensitive to death and how it affects other people. But God is good right? I have to trust that He will continue to provide for me and protect me. I guess I just felt like I needed to vent some feelings because I am so overwhelmed at the moment. Life goes on even when you don't think it "should". My kids will go on with their lives this week and never know the loss or sadness I feel. Not that they have to know, but they are so much in their own world. It isn't a bad thing, just different. I don't expect the world to stop because I am in mourning. My mom was tired... worn down..... and it was her time to go. Doesn't mean I wanted to let her go, but I know that it was her time. My heart is sad and empty without her. I just wanted to call her and talk about how school was going, how life was going.... Share my joys and fears with her. So yeah.... I really do miss her. I just want to crawl up in her lap and have her play with my hair while I cry. I played boardgames on Friday night and thought of her. We used to always play games. I was shuffling the cards and someone was like I never learned how to do that. I was like my mom taught me. Sometimes it doesn't seem like it, but a lot of her is with me. I really do miss her. I would love nothing more than to share my crafty stuff with her. It is something she would understand and love to talk about. I talk to my aunt about it a lot. I'll be thinking of her this week. I know she was hurt bad after mom. She's lost 2 of her siblings now and I know that is taking a toll on her... So she will be in my thoughts this week. Anyway I just needed to say a few things that were on my mind. Keep my family in your thoughts this week. I'd greatly appreciate it.
